Will I ever feel the same way about my husband after his affair?
Legal LawI often hear from wives who tell me that everything has changed for them after their husband’s affair. They no longer feel the same way about their marriage. They feel different about their lives. They doubt themselves. And they may perceive their world (and the people in it) quite differently (and negatively) after the adventure. I often hear comments like, “Will I ever feel the same way about my husband again? I used to adore him and think he was a man of integrity that I could always count on. But I don’t know that man anymore. And I don’t know if I ever will.” will I ever find him again, will I ever feel the same way about him again, or will I always see pain and anger when I look at him?
The answer to these questions really depends on how you behave in the days, weeks, and months after the adventure. The way you see it is likely to change over time as your feelings and perceptions change. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
It is completely natural for you to project your feelings about the affair onto your husband: Many wives feel guilty when they feel very strong negative emotions towards the husband who cheated on them. There is no need to punish yourself for this. Whatever you are feeling is absolutely normal and understandable. He has disappointed and hurt you badly. It is perfectly normal to project these feelings of pain and disappointment into your perception of him.
Still, I know it’s hard to lose the image you believed in and loved. It makes you feel like everything in your life is a lie. You start to doubt yourself and worry about what else in your life you could be wrong about. And you worry that your marriage won’t survive if you lose the positive image you used to have of your husband.
These concerns are understandable, but I must tell you that they are completely normal and usually eventually subside over time and as you see remedial behaviors from your husband. Will you be able to pretend this never happened so your perception of him doesn’t change at all? That is not likely. But over time, if he is able to prove himself and his commitment to you, your perceptions of him will likely begin to improve.
Restoring positive perceptions about your husband often means restoring positive perceptions and feelings about your marriage and your life: I often tell people that the most effective way I know to get over an affair is to restore your life (and your marriage, if you plan to save it) to a whole place. This is often a gradual process, but if you can pull it off, then there really is no reason to continue living in the unhappy past.
And, most women find that if they can get back to a place where they are happy with their lives and have been able to restore their self-esteem and confidence, then their feelings about their husbands, their lives, their marriage begin to improve. This doesn’t mean that she won’t remember what happened and wish she hadn’t.
But, the affair eventually turns into an event like any other difficult event that she overcame in her marriage. You start to see it as a losing streak that you were able to overcome instead of personalizing it and reliving it every day. And hopefully, her husband would have shown him through her actions that she can really count on him and trust him again. I often tell women how they perceive and feel about their husbands going on the affair depends in part on what their husbands give them to work with.
If he does whatever it takes to get this right and offers reassurance and responsibility, then chances are you’ll eventually start to see him in a more positive light. But, if he does nothing to rehabilitate himself or correct this, then you are more likely to continue to see him through the haze of anger, resentment, and frustration.
Wives often feel pressured to return positive feelings towards their husbands from those same husbands. No one wants to know that their spouse is so angry and suspicious. So it’s normal that I try to get you back to normal as soon as possible. But your feelings are not a light switch that can be turned on and off. There is nothing wrong with explaining this to him and telling him that your feelings are a direct response to his actions. If he gives you positive actions to work with from this day on, the feelings are likely to follow. It is important that everyone understands this.
People often worry that they have no control over how their spouse feels about them, but this is not entirely true. Your actions will cloud or enhance what they are feeling. So it really depends on your husband. And, if you don’t get what you need from him, it’s up to you to say so.