My husband doesn’t want to talk about how long it’s going to take for a reconciliation.
Lifestyle FashionMany wives who have been forced into a martial separation did not want to make reconciliation as soon as possible their goal. And often the biggest question constantly on your mind is: When?
You don’t want to be apart for a minute, an hour, or a day longer than necessary. Because of this, it is normal to pressure her husband to establish a time frame or timeline. You want to know when this is going to end. You want to have a date to put on her calendar so you can count down the days. You tell yourself that if you knew how long the breakup was going to last, then you could handle it a lot better because at least you’d know what to expect.
This is understandable and I think most wives feel this way. Unfortunately, though, our husband doesn’t always play along. He will sometimes resist being forced to give a timeline and will often tell you that he just doesn’t know how long the separation will last. He will indicate to you that he just wants to see how she is doing.
It could be explained this way: “When my husband moved out, he assured me that this should only be temporary. He said he felt we needed some time apart to make our marriage fresh and new. He said the time away would renew our commitment to each other. I guess.” I bought this because I wanted to. I really wanted to believe this was going to be a quick change. But it’s been six weeks now. My husband hasn’t had any conversations with me about a reconciliation and I’m getting tired of waiting. Last night, I asked him to share timeline with me, but he resisted. He said he can’t offer me any timeframe. Because he just wants to see how things are going and how we feel and he can’t guess that. I already know how I feel. I’m tired of being apart and I want to reconcile. But he acts like I’m trying to force him to do something that he doesn’t want to do. So I tried another tactic. I asked him if he could guarantee me that the separation wouldn’t last for me. a lot of time more than three more months. He said that he hoped it wasn’t, but that he couldn’t make that kind of guarantee. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to wait that long. And I suspect why it won’t commit to a time frame. He makes me think that maybe he has no plans to reconcile at all or that he is dating someone else. He says that none of these things are true and that he doesn’t like to be pressured. I don’t know what to do right now. But just waiting is driving me crazy. I feel like it’s too open. Why won’t you give me a deadline for a reconciliation?”
Your question and frustration are very common. And there are some potential reasons for her husband’s reluctance that I’ll discuss a bit more below. I can tell you that a lot of men don’t want to feel pressured during their breakup. They want to take this time to evaluate and feel they can’t when given an artificial deadline. Many will tell you that the idea of the separation in the first place was to take this time for themselves. Therefore, they don’t want to feel like this time is rushed or has a stopwatch at the end.
Now, from your point of view, this has not been rushed because it has been weeks. And it’s not fair to make you wait without any deadline. You have every right to want to have something to look forward to and feel like you’re making progress.
a committed: It would seem that you have opposing views, but I think you can compromise so that he doesn’t feel pressured and you don’t feel taken advantage of. I think one way to do that would be to openly discuss his progress at a certain time each week. From my own experience, I firmly believe that you need a plan. Because if you leave things open, your breakup could go on and on without any real change.
It is important to keep setting goals for yourself and reaching these goals so that there is trackable progress. Counseling is wonderful for this because you know that you have to be somewhere at a certain time and that you will work on what is dividing you. I know not everyone is going to be excited about counseling and if you can’t get her to join you at least find some self help so you can have a plan in your own mind that you can work on.
You have to be careful when applying pressure when you feel resistance. But he does want to try to move forward as things progress and he can.
A change of mind: Finally, I think that a change of mentality is as important as having a plan. I think it really helps to stop focusing on time and start focusing on progress. If she can focus her attention on progress and she can work out those things that make her husband reluctant to tell her when she’s coming home, then the time frame will take care of itself.
And sometimes when we focus solely on time, we divert our focus from addressing and solving problems. You are prioritizing the final product to the detriment of what is truly important. Her husband is likely waiting to see that progress before making a decision about timing. So right now, her focus should be on progress at first.