My estranged spouse is not committed to saving our marriage, what is his thought process?

It’s fair to say that most separated couples I meet or talk to have ups and downs during their separation. Most of the time, this process is not linear. There will be periods of time when things seem to be going well and hopes are raised. And then there can be cooling off periods where uncertainty seems to reign.

During this period of time, one of the spouses may seem interested in getting closer. And the other spouse may hope for a reconciliation, but may later discover that even though his spouse claims to be open to reconciliation one day, he will always stop short of committing to it. A wife might say, “Really, the fact that my husband dragged himself through our separation is maddening. I guess I should be grateful. Because I have to admit, we’ve made some progress. At the beginning of our separation, I really thought I’m going to get divorced.” in six months. Not only hasn’t that happened, but things have improved between us. We’ve been dating. We’ve been sleeping together. There are times when my husband even stays here for a while. It seems like he told me we’re at a point where we can put our problems behind us. So naturally I’ve asked my husband if we can end the separation, get some counseling and reconcile. He won’t give me his commitment to this. He won’t he flatly refuses. But says we just have to stay where we are and ‘see how things go.’ I don’t get this. We’re married. We’re doing fine. What’s the problem with saying we’ll stay married? I just don’t understand his thought process. What do separated men think when they refuse to commit to their marriage? ?”

Well, there are two lines of thought on this. Some people will tell you that they want to have their cake and eat it too. Some will warn you that a man who acts like this is basically enjoying the sex, the ego boost from him, and the comfort of knowing you are there for him with no real intention of saving the marriage. These naysayers will tell you that he is only using you because it feels good to. But deep in his heart, he knows that there is no real hope for his marriage and that he is only delaying the inevitable, either because he doesn’t want to hurt you or because he wants to continue as long as you let him. .

I do not believe this in all cases. My husband and I were in a similar situation and we were never divorced. We are still married. The reluctance was there because my husband didn’t want to rush it and, frankly, because our separation didn’t always go smoothly. While he was encouraged that we were finally making progress, he really wanted to ‘wait and see’ if that progress continued. He wanted to take it slow to make sure we could believe in the changes. And he wanted to make sure we had a workable plan for when he came home.

Also, waiting allowed us to see the problems that were coming up as we gradually spent more time together. However, during this process, he never gave me a commitment that we would definitely reconcile. This hurts. And this gave me doubts. I had waited so long for progress that I was frankly desperate to hear any reassurance. But I also knew that pressure almost always spelled disaster in my husband’s eyes, so I didn’t push.

I told myself that I would be confident in the progress we were making. And intellectually, he knew that gradual was better. Yes, I would have loved a compromise. I would have loved my husband to say, “I’m moving back in on this date and we’ll be married forever.” But I think my husband thought that if he did that, we could go back to our old habits. By taking the wait-and-see approach, he ensured that we both kept up our best behavior and continued to do our best.

I know that having the commitment would make the process more bearable. But sometimes you have to focus on what you have and not what you don’t have. And if you continue to make the progress you have, there’s a good chance you’ll reconcile and save your marriage, regardless of what words you use regarding the word “engagement.” Sometimes it is the result that matters more than the words or guarantees used to describe it. And sometimes, it makes sense not to sabotage today by focusing too much on tomorrow.