Dating Over 40: If It’s The Right Relationship, Shouldn’t It Flow Smoothly?
TechnologyLeslie, an attractive redhead divorced woman in her 30s, was having trouble meeting quality men. She started coaching me and in four weeks she met not one, but two really good prospects. Jeff and Sam were very nice men who met many of his criteria for “Mr. Right”.
Time to choose
After several weeks, Leslie felt it was time to make a decision. She was more attracted to Jeff and felt a warm connection to this sweet man with whom she had a lot in common. While she had some concerns, compared to Sam who traveled a lot, Jeff seemed to be the better couple.
She decided to broach the topic of dating Jeff and find out what his expectations were. Jeff had jotted down his Match profile, but Leslie wasn’t sure of anything else.
The conversation
Leslie handled the subject brilliantly and asked Jeff if he thought they should keep seeing others. He admitted that he was dating Sam, who had let him know from the beginning that he was only dating one woman at a time. Jeff said that he didn’t want to date anyone else and that he wasn’t thrilled that Leslie was. But he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship either. However, he was visibly shaken by the conversation and perplexed as to how to proceed.
Leslie was understanding, but said that if the timing wasn’t right, maybe she should move on to find someone who was ready. This was not an easy conversation for Leslie, but she felt very firm in her desire to find a man who was ready for a relationship. Jeff asked for two weeks to clarify and they amicably parted ways, agreeing to discuss this further.
Your answer
The next day, Jeff emailed Leslie (called first and left a message) admitting that he cared deeply for her, something he hadn’t planned on. He had expected them to casually date. But the idea of her seeing someone else helped crystallize her feelings. He had been confused about the love of his marriage and post-divorce dating and acknowledged that he was generally slow to respond to emotional issues.
He then gave a romantic description of why he liked her and ended with a poignant pronouncement of his love for Leslie. (My eyes filled with tears as I read the email Leslie forwarded!)
Leslie didn’t know what to do. She felt that love should flow more easily and she was worried that this would seem too difficult. Here is my perspective on their exchange:
The good news
It seems to me that Jeff showed his soul to Leslie, telling her how he feels and giving her important clues on how he makes decisions and reacts to things.
Should things go better between people if it’s the right relationship? What happens in life without problems? Once you’ve gotten married and maybe even children are involved, there’s a baggage that takes time to sort out. It’s just a fact of life.
But here’s the good news: Jeff was pretty quick to adjust compared to what he thinks of himself. He may hate changing course, but he did it FAST. After all, it only took ONE day.
I bet Jeff really didn’t think he’d find someone like Leslie. After “The Talk” and his discovery about the competition, he had to reevaluate his plan or risk losing it.
Deepening the relationship
I also strongly believe that situations like this make or break a relationship. This is the “first bump in the road”. Bumps are important in taking a relationship to deeper levels of intimacy.
Of course, Jeff still supports observation and data collection. But Leslie has now entered the exclusivity stage, allowing her to test the potential of their long-term relationship. Congratulations to Leslie for standing firm for what she wants, getting over the “first hit”, and moving forward to find the love she wants!