Man jumps off a building saved by a pigeon
Arts EntertainmentsI was having a really bad day, so I jumped off the ledge of the building I worked in and was heading towards the ground when this pigeon came flying beside me, flapping its wings feverishly to keep up with my descent.
“Hey stupid?” The dove screamed.
Surprised, I looked at the feathered rat and replied. “Didn’t you know that pigeons could talk?”
“Yeah, well, it’s not that we want people to know that kind of thing.” He said with a smart ass look on his beak. “So what the hell are you doing?”
I didn’t know what to think. Here he was falling at terminal speed talking to a bloody pigeon. “Look, can’t you just let me die in peace here and leave me alone?”
The pigeon paused in thought for a moment and said, “No, I can’t do that. Just tell me why you’re trying to fly and I’ll leave you alone.”
“Trying to fly?” I screamed. “Can’t you see I’m trying to kill myself here? I’m putting an end to my misery!”
The dove looked at me sympathetically and responded. “Mind if I eat your eyeballs after you hit the ground?”
I could not believe it. Here I was negotiating with a damn pigeon that wanted to eat my eyeballs after I hit the ground. Assuming it wouldn’t matter one way or another, I said; “Sure, go ahead, I’m not going to need you anyway.”
Then a miracle happened.
“Look.” The dove replied. “Your gesture of allowing me to eat your eyeballs just got one last wish. What will it be?”
How lucky I thought. A dying wish from a ditch hawk that wanted to eat my eyes and here it was plummeting towards the pavement seconds from splattersville.
“Where were you fifteen seconds ago?” I replied.
The dove shrugged its wings and said. “Hey buddy, take it, leave it, I’m still going to eat your eyes.”
Thinking that I had nothing to lose, I asked for a million dollars and that my boss would end up in a landfill.
Everything the Dove said was “Granted”. and then it flew away leaving me to finish my trip.
A few seconds later, he was sprawled on the sidewalk staring up at the sky. He was alive! Something had broken my fall. I could feel some broken bones, but nothing too serious. I looked down to see what had cushioned my descent and saw that it had landed on my fat, lazy boss, whose massive mass slowed my fall and prevented it from splashing onto the pavement. As I looked into his lifeless eyes, I realized that it was a part of my wish that had come true.
As the paramedics were leading me to the waiting ambulance, I looked and saw the pigeon that granted my wish come in and start pecking and eating my boss’s eyeballs, it stopped for a moment, swallowed part of an optic nerve and gave me wink. I smiled back and waved goodbye. Then, I remembered the other part of my wish for the million dollars and yelled at the devouring pigeon. “Hey, what about the million dollars?”
He paused, looked up and gave me another wink, and continued working on the second eyeball as they put me into the ambulance.
A few months later I made a full recovery. True to his word, the other part of my wish came true when the owners of the building I had jumped from awarded me $ 1.2 million for not installing locks on the roof doors to prevent people from jumping out of the building. I never saw that magic dove again. But every now and then I go to the park and sit on a bench and feed the little hawks breadcrumbs in hopes of having a conversation with a pigeon once again.