Love, sex and the adolescent brain

06-04-2021

Teen romance and the possibility of sex … It is one of the trickiest and most difficult topics that we, as parents, talk about with our children. Making sure your teen has good information and a healthy attitude about opposite-sex relationships is a challenging parenting responsibility. We know that our teens go to parties, go out together, sometimes drink, and some have sex.

According to a 2005 Statistics Canada report:

o About 12% of teens have had sex by age 15 and by age 17, 28% have. By age 24, 80% of young adults have had sex.

o Of the sexually active youth between the ages of 15 and 24, more than a third of them had more than one partner in a year and 30% did not use a condom the last time they had sex.

o Teen pregnancy has been declining steadily for the past 25 years. However, the number of adolescents who have contracted sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) such as chlamydia continues to increase. This points to reduced condom use or the prevalence of oral sex that many teens mistakenly believe eliminates STD transmission.

So, as parents, what kind of influence do we have? According to a 2005 study from the University of Regina in Saskatchewan, teachers emerged as the most important source of information on pregnancy and STD prevention. The study also found that peer influence was more important than parental disapproval in predicting whether a student would have sex. The findings suggest that teachers and peers are more important than parents in providing good information and instilling attitudes in our teens. Parental disapproval has little impact. In fact, parental disapproval often has the opposite effect that one is trying to achieve.

Romance and teenage brain

The conflict between young love and parental disapproval is not new. In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliette, his “star-crossed lovers” showed the havoc that teenage romance can have on families. Today, it is perhaps understandable and acceptable that school is a more important source of information than parents about certain information about sex. However, most of us hope that our values ​​are important to our children and help guide their choices for sexual behavior.

When your son or daughter has fallen in love, the personality change can seem extreme. It is as if they have been invaded by an alien body thief. The power of love and sex among teenagers is very strong. Many parents feel responsible for their teens’ risky behavior and are weighed down with feelings of guilt. Fathers, and especially mothers, often feel the judgment of other fathers whose adolescent behavior is less extreme. This can lead to additional feelings of isolation and ineffectiveness. Some parents, and especially parents, may become authoritarian out of frustration and eventually give up or “wash their hands” of the problem due to feelings of inadequacy.

To be more influential, it helps to be equipped with knowledge of the forces at work when a teenager falls in love. It is important to understand how the adolescent brain works. Recent scientific research on the brain sheds much more light on how much hormonal activity is influencing our adolescent’s thoughts and actions.

Brain structures and brain chemicals affect how a teenager first engages in romance. In his book Why Do They Act That Way ?: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen, David Walsh describes it this way. Around the age of ten, the body produces androgen hormones. This is when the first crush can occur. It is at puberty that the true awakening of sexual interest and drive occurs. This is when “falling in love” can happen. The hypothalamus drives surges of testosterone in both boys and girls and raises levels of dopamine, the hormone responsible for the sensation of pleasure. Due to developmental differences, boys and girls have different attitudes towards sex and romance. Testosterone surges in boys lead them to view girls as sex objects. Teenage girls tend to be more attracted to boys because of the relational aspects of spending time together and talking.

Although the sexual interest is always part of the infatuation, the infatuation is not always part of the sexual impulse. The prefrontal cortex (the place of reason and judgment in the brain) is inactive and in adolescents it is not yet fully developed. When we fall in love, we don’t use our rational brain or impulse control. A “pleasure” high comes from the hormonal interplay of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. It’s a powerful blend of natural neurological “chemistry”. All this high level of hormonal fireworks cannot be sustained by the brain for long. The intense feelings of “infatuation” are even shorter in adolescents than in adults. The crush lasts only about three months on average. After this, they will either move into another relationship because of drunkenness and excitement or they will remain as the relationship moves into a calmer, more comfortable stable state, which has been called “being in love.”

During the “being in love” phase, a cooling occurs and the prefrontal cortex is activated. The adolescent is in a better position to assess the appropriateness of the relationship. The adolescent may ask, “Why am I in this relationship?” Now a different set of hormones is released. In girls, oxytocin is sometimes referred to as the “hugging” hormone, also involved in childbirth, which promotes attachment. In children, the hormone vasopressin makes them more protective, faithful and attentive to the needs of their partner.

Romantic pitfalls

Parents often worry that their child will fall in love with a “bad apple.” Concern for an adolescent’s judgment is warranted. The prefrontal cortex does not fully form in the brain until age 21. In this love stupor, the bad influence of the boyfriend or girlfriend leads the “good” child to do things quite out of place. For example, they may engage in risky behavior out of loyalty and love, such as destroying property in the “rush” of it.

Sometimes the darker side of love of jealousy and possessiveness takes over. It is confusing for many teenagers. After the glorious “infatuation,” feelings and then attachment hormones can cloud judgment. You can become controlling or physically or sexually abusive. When the question “why am I in this relationship?” Comes to mind, your memories of times of “infatuation” and the hugging hormone and lack of current experience make it harder to see the wisdom of dating. .

Tips for Talking to Teens About Sex

Countries with low rates of teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases treat sex more openly. If trusted adults, teachers, and parents don’t talk openly, teens will get their information from their peers or the media. It is important to distinguish sex from sexuality. Sex is about biology, while sexuality is about biology, psychology, values, and spirituality. It is important that you view your role as a complement to the logic, wisdom, and judgment required by the adolescent’s underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. Active listening, validating feelings, and showing respect will help open discussions and reduce power struggles.

David Walsh in his book Why Do They Act That Way ?, suggests the following tips and dos and don’ts.

1. Get motivated. If you don’t speak to them, someone else will.

2. Educate yourself. Being informed overcomes nervousness and builds trust

3. Make yourself comfortable. It’s okay to admit some discomfort. It will help everyone to relax.

4. Make it an ongoing conversation.

5. Don’t try to go too wide in a discussion.

6. Choose appropriate times when there is an opportunity for a quiet, private, and uninterrupted conversation.

7. Discuss sexuality, not just sex. They need to know about the place of sex in a healthy relationship.

8. Discuss dating as a time to have fun and get to know each other.

9. Don’t preach or read.

10. make it a dialogue

11. Share your values

Do

o Emphasize the importance of respect and honesty in all relationships.

o Have regular conversations with your sons and daughters about sex and sexuality

o Communicate the values ​​that you consider important in romantic relationships.

o Provide accurate information about birth control and STDs.

o Get to know your teen’s friends to find out who they are influencing

o Really listen to your teen – their fears and concerns and validate their feelings by showing acceptance and love

o Talk to other parents, join a parent group, see a counselor for ideas and support

Whose

o Do not get angry or put down on a boyfriend or girlfriend who worries you

o Do not ridicule or make fun of crushes or romantic ties

o Do not assume that your son or daughter will not engage in sexual behavior

o Do not be silent and let the “instant sex” that occurs on television and in the movies become the only examples that your children

have about sex and sexuality

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *